Of June

Hello, June! My favorite month of the year, when everything seems so exciting and a new page opened.

Started off in February, 2018. I still clearly remember what happened that time. The reality hits me so hard. I cried uncontrollably in the middle of the night and felt the heartache that spread throughout my body. It was such a sudden mental breakdown. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. It was all just a blurry situation, I didn't even know what to do, but crying out loud in disbelief. It still hits close to home to me. Time passes, I am learning how to digest all of the sad truths and hanging explanations. It was all, and has, never been an easy battle. Especially for me, myself. This is a struggle within myself; to find the meaning of self-love, to let go, and to forgive.

Honestly, I am still unfamiliar with the meaning of self-love, but from my point of view, self-love is an act to spare our time, energy, and mind to respect and accept ourselves from this demanding world. I could barely notice the importance of self-love. I happened to stumble upon the term of 'self-love' one day, but just take it lightly. I never fully notice that self-love is so important in our lives. Through this painful experience I learned that we have to grow the love for ourselves to prevent us from falling into a deeper and longer grief. The idea of grieving is still acceptable when we all use it wisely. A friend of mine said, if someone going through a painful experience, she/he have to feel the sad feeling and to not refuse it just to make them look strong outside or else it would explode in some other time in the future when we already feel we're okay, but in fact, we're not. We have to accept the feeling of sadness to make it to another step of feeling better. 

As for me, I let myself cry and being the saddest person in the world, and let all the negative thoughts and emotions showed up. I told my closest friends about my feelings and all. I am that kind of person who let out all of my emotions, I don't really mind if someone said that I am too much. My well-being is more important and that's what makes me more human. Most importantly, talk to Allah swt about our feelings. Cry as much as we can and let Allah hears our very silent prayer through the tears that travel to Allah. It works for me, it makes me calmer and at ease. Use the time of grief wisely, use it to make us more acceptable of the sad feeling. Wisely here means not taking it too long and repeat the same pattern of sadness (or whatever negative feelings we felt). The longer it takes, the darker our souls are. Grieving something or someone too long may darken our inner selves. I used to do it too in the past months. It makes me question my self-worth, decreasing my self-esteem, and even led me to the early depression phase. I didn't believe in love anymore. It hurts that much to me to the point that I didn't believe in the saying of 'something better will come to me'. Please, please, don't let those thoughts eat us and win the battle. It's just going to drag us drown in the dark deeper and deeper.

Give ourselves a space to accept that it's okay to be sad, to feel pain, and to feel anything that brings us to our lowest point. Contemplating on what was happening, reflecting on what might be wrong, and finding out solutions to the problem will eventually bring us to the light, bit by bit. It takes time, yes. Be patient, because to heal means we have to stretch our patience longer. After all that stormy phase, we may have some kind of activities that we like and will bring joy to ourselves. It will give us a space to temporarily forget our sadness and pain. Take a baby step, start off with small activities that will make us realize that happiness is in our hands, not others. Who knows that the baby step will be a very big step someday when we look back to the past? Believe that rainbow always comes after the storm and know that we will be stronger than before. Whatever it is, any action (in a good way) that led us to be in a better state and makes us happy and content, is a step for us to love ourselves more.

To let go of something or someone we love, especially, is not an easy task. It's really hard. Harder than we all think in our mind. I never knew that letting go someone I love is this painful. Yet, I have come to the realization that holding onto something or someone that cause me pain, is more painful. If I'm holding on, the knife would always stick in my body while at the same time I'm hoping that my wounds would heal someday, but it's not. It will only make the wounds worse. On the other hand, to let go was like taking the knife off of your body, even though it was painful at the beginning, but it will heal the wounds after we take some treatments. It would heal in some other time. It would be better to let go of each other and heal our wounds in our own way than to hold on and keep hurting each other.

The changing situations are very uncomfortable. I have to go back and forth between my sanity and insanity. Many questions popped up in my mind. The questions with no clear explanations and the answers itself were built by my own assumptions. I spent quite some time to contemplate what is the best possible way out of this reality? At the least, I realize I have to let go. What's the point to beg for someone who didn't want to stay in our life anymore? Why would we try harder (again) if that someone didn't even try for us? It will never work out if the person didn't want to do it in the first place. I finally realize that some things better left with unanswered questions than to seek for explanations that actually never be there. Just leave it there. Some things are out of my control and I can't force myself to take the control either. It's someone's choice and I respect it now. Hopefully, we both will live our lives just fine.

The hardest part is to forgive. We tend to keep holding grudge in our heart because it hurts so much we want to take a revenge on them. It feels unfair, right? That might sound familiar to some of us who undergo a painful experience. Truthfully, I am still learning how to forgive as well. As far as I know, to forgive means we give ourselves a reward to breathe, to feel alive again, and to free ourselves from toxic feelings. Now I tend to remind myself to forgive and accept the painful experiences in the past while I remember a saying that Allah will gives us reward by forgiving some of our mistakes if we are able to forgive the person who did us wrong. It's not easy. That is why Allah promises us that beautiful reward if we become a person with a big heart. I have to continually remind myself to hold back all the negative thoughts and start to see the brighter side. Forgiving is for our own good too. Also, why not give a chance to forgive someone who admit their mistakes and was apologetic towards us? Give them a chance and be a person with a big heart.

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So many things I learn(ed) in my 24th years living as an ordinary human being on this planet. I want to remind myself, and all of us, that being kind to everyone has never been a bad idea. Keep spreading kindness and be generous in all of our daily activities. Keep giving the love we had to everyone who need it. Also, be really careful of what we do in the present moment to avoid feeling regretful in the future. We might be hurting other people by the way we act and treat them. Be grateful for what we already have. Respect other person's effort and time by treating them right and nicely. Protect the heart of someone who trusted us to keep and protect it. Be a responsible person who can keep the words and prove it with actions. Never invalidate another person's feelings, just being a good listener is enough. Don't forget to love ourselves more too each day. I know, it's easier to be said than done. One thing for sure, just keep holding on cause this too shall pass :)

Have a meaningful birthday, dear me. Thank you for surviving this hard phase of your life and keep yourself sane. Stay kind and may Allah make me stronger, wiser, and better than before, aamiin :)

p.s: I don't give up on people unless they give me a reason to.